A challenging concept

So the sun is out and has been all week in the capital! In fact, it got dangerously hot as I sat in front of the British Museum. The trouble with being made with such thin plastic is that you can easily end up melting in the heat. Literally rather than figuratively! The Museum was brilliant as per usual; I spent most of my lunch hour drifting around the Middle East rooms, marvelling at the dazzling Oxus treasure and Persepolis Reliefs. In the second picture I am sitting in front of a cast taken from the Persian palace at Persepolis, which dates between 470-450BC. Now, I hate to personify myself, but I can't help thinking that my bum looks pretty huge in this picture.

Apart from my continued work at a well-known publication, this week also saw my investment in a piece of editing software known as Portrait Professional, an amazing program that literally lets you change your face. If you fancy having your eyes further apart, your nose longer, your hair a different colour then it can be done. The only problem I came up against was the fact that it kept asking me to locate my nose, which for obvious reasons I found impossible. However, I was dazzled by the results. My eyes were bright, my blue plastic was bluer than usual, my creases were smoothed out and my smile was wider.

I showed my efforts to Pierre, in the hope of getting artistic approval, but I was brutally shot down. He said that the picture didn't resemble me in the least and I wouldn't be able to pass it off as myself. I pointed out that this didn't stop the majority of people on facebook correcting and touching up their own images, or indeed, within the very industry in which I work.                                                                                                                                   
Thankfully Pierre didn't have any answer to this, which was just as well as I was tired of arguing with him. We had just spent twenty minutes arguing about his identity. He bizarrely tried to convince me that he was a ‘concept’, rather than an object. Now, I am willing to go along with most ideas, but the argument got personal when he challenged me about wasting my life sat at a computer screen.

This I found unfair. Words are my creative outlet. In my opinion, if a bag wants to work in retail that's fine, if they want to work on a market this is equally ok, and if they want to work in publishing, then they should be allowed to do so, without the fear of being ridiculed simply because they don't put paint to canvas!

Needless to say, I won't be speaking to the ‘concept’ that is Pierre for a while!

Train Politics

It’s raining again. I stare at the suited individual standing a few metres down the platform and think how blessed I am to understand the politics of train travel. Now, I may be a bag, and I may spend my time writing a blog that no one reads and inventing humorous lyrics to songs that no one listens to, but I’m not stupid! I know where to stand on a train platform, and I certainly know the basic etiquette involved in this mode of transport. I know which seats I prefer, I know that no matter how vulnerable I look; commuters will happily push me aside as they storm into the carriage. I know to sit in the reserved seating to give myself extra leg room and I know the corresponding platform position for several separate train doors in several different stations. Unlike the idiot who’s standing just a few meters away, no doubt filled with a sense of confidence that he has correctly guessed a place where the train doors will halt.

I just can’t understand the theory behind commuters who stand mid-platform, especially when knowledgeable groups of businessmen cluster at unmarked departure points. Nor do I understand the incessant pushing at the ticket barriers; suit-clad dodgems darting back and forth between queues as if we were in Europe. What’s irritating is that these speedy individuals inevitably have the wrong ticket, and are then forced to back out of the ticket barrier and cut across the current to the attendant at the end.

Traversing the dangerous world of train travel could easily fill volumes, or potentially a Train Travel Etiquette for Dummies volume, which I would happily pen. A few points to note for newbie commuters would be; escalators are inevitably quicker than taking the stairs, speaking in the quiet coach is the highest personal insult to those around you, and getting your suitcase stuck in a narrow aisle should be avoided at all costs, unless you want a murderous pile up behind you. This same rule could easily apply to the ticket barriers.

I glance over at the figure on the platform who, I’m guessing, is new to the area, despite his aura of quiet confidence. The train slowly approaches and my group rev their throttles ready to dive into the carriage headfirst. We all subconsciously note that no one is waiting to get off the arriving train, so we won’t have to get out of the way: much the better as none of us would anyway.

Out of the corner of my plastic eye I notice that my unfortunate friend has disappeared, probably having realised his mistake. The door light flashes, everyone piles forward; in the rush I am pushed aside by the dirtiest trick in the book. My suited friend slides in around me, and I politely give way. This is my downfall, I am incapable of being rude and, as a bag, I am also unable to object to such behaviour, but then what are politics if not dirty methods of getting ahead of the crowd?

BLUE saw U - Take 5

'I see a black coat and I want to paint it blue'

I have been completely overawed by this latest Blue saw U. Not one, but two blue bags put to use carrying flowers. And what fine specimens! At least twice the size of myself and so strong that in the case of the blue bag on the left, one handle was adequate to effectively take the weight of the load. I have to admit that I was very envious as the blue twins disappeared around the corner with their beautiful burdens. And before you ask, that isn’t Tex in the background, just one of his old colleagues.

All in all, these blue bags certainly enliven the black attire of an otherwise dull outfit. Yes black is sleek, yes it slims you down by disguising shadows, and yes it goes with pretty much anything. But I put it to you that a good navy blue can do the same and has the added advantage of actually being a real colour! Some navy blues can even pass as black should you feel uneasy about venturing down the blue road. For slimming blues try Duke blue or Oxford blue, for blues that stand out in a crowd go for Cyan, Brandeis blue or Celeste. For blues that think they are grey, try Cambridge blue or Periwinkle blue, and to keep up-to-date with the 2012 spring/summer pastel trend, opt for Alice blue. As you can see the options are endless and the potential is there to create a look totally your own. There is simply no excuse to wear black, especially in the improving weather of spring!

In other areas of my plastic life, I have had a productive week applying for jobs, catching up with old friends and preparing for a move back to the capital for four weeks of work at the publication I began my journey at, back in November. It was sad saying goodbye to Pierre, as I have been spending an increased amount of time with him, helping him create a blog for his collection of art. Clearly the internet is the new print; in much the same way as blue is the new black. Look forward my friends! The future is bright, the future is Blue!

Letsby Avenue

If you hadn't already noticed, May is now upon us!  Despite the flood warnings, I decided to welcome in the spring with some spring cleaning. By happy coincidence I located a blue feather duster, which more than helped to spur on my good intentions. However these intentions were dangerously tested when I wafted over my garden wall on a seasonal spring breeze, not an experience I would wish for twice. Indeed, I came dangerously close to snagging on the branch of a tree, far beyond the reach of help.  Such are the dangers of house work! So, despite having found this brilliant blue aid, I have to admit that I gave up at the first attempt.

As I procrastinated, my thoughts turned to curious place names. I remember reading last week an article about the twinning of towns in Perthshire and Oregan. The motivation behind the twinning seems to be the nature of the names of these towns; Dull and Boring. Although the twinning hasn’t been officially adopted, it is hoped that it will not be long before the Dull residents have some Boring Canadian counterparts. Brilliant news on all fronts! For the full article check out:

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/897195-dull-and-boring-towns-to-be-twinned

This news prompted me to look into place names within the UK that could be equally twinned. I apologise in advance to all readers of a sensitive disposition, and also to those that appreciate the finer points of wit!  Juggs Close in East Sussex could be happily twinned with Ogle Close in Merseyside or equally with Grope Lane in Shropshire. Hooker Road in Norwich would make a nice partner to Horneyman in Kent, although Nether Wallop in Hampshire should avoid being twinned with Happy Bottom in Dorset as the former would definitely not constitute the latter.   

A few other of my personal favourites included; Splatt in Cornwall, Stop and Call in Pembrokeshire, and The Bottoms in Hertfordshire. But far above all the rest is Blue Balls, in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. Admittedly not in the UK, but a place I have every ambition to visit as soon as possible.

For now I shall continue my daily routine, which is organised to the last minute. Since I am not working this week I have written down an hour by hour plan, and I fear that my time for blogging is coming to a close. Whilst the dust may be settling on the window sills and mantles around me, the life of Blue the blue bag runs like clockwork. So Letsby Avenue* cleaning!

(* a road in Sheffield)